Cigarettes.

That day when she left him, he was devasted, broken he couldn’t resist her absense he wanted someone to fill that void and that day when he was alone he met me for the first time. He said he needs me, I told him that i destroy people, I kill them.
He smiled and said, the moment she left me I was no more alive.
He took me in his hands, embraced me, smiled at me as if I was his addiction and for the first time his lips touched mine, he said I felt like heaven and I knew that.
He wasn’t the first one who said that.
He asked me to embrace him, I wanted to be in him, in his blood, in his bones. Now he never asked about her, he was craving for me, for my presense in his hands, for my smell and everytime I went into his body he was relaxed. He could find me everywhere.
He was happy, little did he realize I have been destroying him, and that day while he was holding me in his hands, he collapsed.
After spending one week in the hospital, he was screaming, craving for me. I wanted to go back to him, he took me in his hands for the last time, kissed me one last time, and took his last breath, he was no more. I was with him till his last breath, and he was just another prey of mine.

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I tried to forget you.

Everytime when my teacher asked me to call you for PTA I was so nervous and embarrassed to tell her that you’d not come this time too, I tried making excuses everytime they asked me about you. I said you were busy as you work for the country, I said you stay far from where I stay and you’d surely meet them the next time, but that next time never came. I always wished you’d come to me and tap my back everytime i got good grades, i used to count days so that i could see you on my birthday. Is it that i was never meant to be loved, that you never came to me.

I thought you’d be there when i learnt to ride cycle for the first time, you’d hold me when i fell but i never found you holding me. Years passed and i always had a hope that you’d love me, carasse my hair and tell that everything will be fine.

I am grown into a girl now and still I don’t find you. I tried to forget you, I tried not to cry, I tried not to write about you but I did.

I still hold your shirt and sob till I fall asleep.

Father, not everyone can be a superhero, and not every superhero protects you.

I learnt to survive, I learnt to smile, I learnt to not give up and I learnt not to love.

I wish you could be a better soul than you were.

Rest in peace, I love you.

Depression is real.

Depression isn’t when you’re alone, it is something which has embraced you and you fall for it every moment, 

Depression isn’t when you’re sad or when someone doesn’t love you, it’s when you have lost faith and love in yourself.

When you’re texting your someone special, or waiting for your crush’s reply, there someone is posting depressed quotes and you, you just ignore that,

You work really hard in the gym and forget to notice that someone beside you wearing black T-shirt has recently lost the one he loved. You chose to ignore.

You’re sitting in your favorite restaurant waiting for your food, and someone sitting just opposite has scars on his wrist, you don’t care.

It’s 2 am and you’re in your deep sleep and then you get a call from a friend who doesn’t talk much, you look at the phone screen and just ignore that call.

In the morning when are in a hurry of finishing your breakfast, your best friend calls you and tells that, that friend who called you yesterday night is dead now.

He hanged himself, he’s no more.

And you just feel bad that you didn’t pick that one call.

Had you noticed his wrist, if you had at least left a text instead of scrolling down, if you had talk to him in the restaurant or in the gym.

At least he’d be alive among us.

Depression isn’t something you chose to ignore it’s something you need to talk about.

There are many people​ who’re going through depression, suffering in the invisible pain.

If you find someone who is depressed give them a nice hug and say you’re always with them.

The boy laughing at your jokes and sometimes you make joke of him might be depressed.

if you cant love them at least don’t chose to ignore.

It kills and leaves nothing but regrets for life.

Every suicide is a murder.

Depression can’t be cured through medicines. they need love.

#spreadlove #spreadsmiles 💝
~ Vaishnavi Vasudevan

Marital Rape

16th January, 2003.

Hi, I’m riya banerjee.

I was a girl with many dreams, and for the first time I felt like every dream of mine would come true when I first saw him. I was never interested in getting married but my parents asked me to just meet this guy Rahul. They were very confident that i would like him and accept their marriage proposal.

They were right, he was so understanding, I fell in love with his looks in our first meeting and we got married after few dates.

I was so happy to be his wife, I had everything.

After our marriage he asked me to wear a black dress which he gave me on our engagement, though I didn’t like that dress i wore it as it was his gift, and that day I realized that I Never married a human, I got married to an evil.

That day after our first movie date, we drove back home.

I was so tired that I told him that I would sleep early tonight, but he wasn’t okay with that, he said i was looking so beautiful that night so he wanted to make love, but i wasn’t ready.

I told him that i couldn’t make it happen that night. 

He was so strong that he pushed me on bed, i was still pleading him, but he didn’t listen.

He took a cloth to shut my mouth so that no one could hear me, he sat on my body, i was still crying, my hands were tired and I couldn’t move my legs. 

He slowly stripped my clothes, he was enjoying that but I wasn’t.

I thought making love gives pleasure but this wasn’t love. He started hurting me, I was bleeding, my skin got scars, it was about 40 minutes, he had made love with his wife and me?

I was raped, brutally raped by my husband but why would someone believe me. I thought of speaking about this with my mom but she wasn’t ready to listen to me, and this continued everyday, sometimes he used burn my skin and sometimes he did cut it.

And Everytime only he made love I was just a victim of marital rape.

And it’s been 14 years of our marriage and I’m still alive.

I still have a dream, only one dream just to fly away from his cage.

Dream which would never come true.

Vaishnavi Vasudevan 

I’m alive

I was frustrated that evening and I had to take drugs again just to forget what I was going through, but this time I had taken pretty much that I couldn’t drive back home, but I had no other choice left but to drive all alone. I tried to arrange seat belt properly but couldn’t, WTF I yelled. 

Everything was blur once I started driving, I was experiencing a very severe headache, and suddenly I could see bright lights from my opposite and there was a bang. 
I’m Deeksha, 
Deeksha chatterjee, a 18 year old teen who has many expectations with life.

I still remember that day when I was 11. I was eagerly waiting for my dad to return home from his work so that we could go out for a ride on his 2 wheeler.

I didn’t know what had happened to him but he never returned home that day, but never did I lose hope, I was always waiting for him.

My mom used to say that he has gone to god for an important meeting, little did she knew that I was mature enough to understand what death is. 

I was very close to my dad, that his death had a very negative impact on me. I stopped talking to people, I was lost, all I knew was I’ve to get him back. Like my mom says he will be back. I wanted to ask him what made him leave me. Just once, or I wanted him for forever. 

This obsession made me insane, I wanted to go back in time. 

But is that even possible? 

Going insane everyday, I had to create my  Terrene which was a river side small forest, not most people were aware of this place. 

One day when I was sitting idle under zombu (a banyan tree whom I used to call with that name), we were talking about everything and nothing. He used to shower his leaves whenever I laughed, may be that was his way of showing love. But I enjoyed his company.

And that day I found a small passage behind his trunk, I asked him what was that, he smiled and said that, inside him stayed people who couldn’t stay in real world. I was surprised, I asked him would I find my dad inside him? 

He said yes, but he didn’t let me go in. 

I pleaded him, cried a lot and finally zombu agreed but with a condition. 

He asked me not to disturb anyone in that world if I did that I would lose my life. 

I agreed, but only I knew what I was going to do, I wanted my dad back and this was the only way I could get him back. 

I slowly entered into the passage which was very vast and beautiful inside, I could see greenery every where. 

I fell into a garden which was of diamonds, I thought of taking some of them back but remembered what zombu said. 

I stood up, and the very first thing I had in my mind was to search for my dad. 

This world is not much different than ours, you can find all creatures here which are dead in the real world,  it’s like a mirror world, houses, streets,  trees, everything was same. 

I could see people laughing, smiling, playing joyfully, none of them had a sign of tension, may be this is the life after death. 

And I could see a person smiling at me, with a bunch of red roses in his hands. 

Yeah he was my dad, I ran to him, embraced him and cried a lot. 

Why did you leave us dad? 

Why? 

I asked. 

Beta why did you come here, it’s not your place he said. 

I came to take you back dad. 

He smiled and said that you can never stop what destiny has planned for you. Beta I have always tried to come back but could never. 

You know what, once someone steps into this world it’s impossible for them to go back, this is the end to infinity he said. 

I smiled at him with wet eyes, baba I’ve come here to take you back with me, I know how to escape you from this virtual world. Just hold my hand and come with me. 

I held his hand and started running from that place he was still smiling like he knew what would happen. 

I was lost, it was a trap, it was a maze. 

It was very hard for me to take breathe, my limbs became numb, my eyes were blurred, I could hear my dad, he was telling that I would be free forever in no time, and suddenly he disappeared, I couldn’t find him, I was still searching for my answers, I could hear someone was crying holding my hands, it was my mom, I was in the hospital bed, that night I met with an accident, I was half dead, I could hear doctors telling to my mom that there is no chance for my life. I was in coma since 4 months. She was screaming, I was beside her saying that nothing happened to me, I’m fine, but she was still crying, may be she couldn’t hear me. 

She was uttering something, yeah she was praying for me, for my life. 

I wanted to go back to her, and tell her that I met dad, but how? 

And suddenly everything disappeared, now I couldn’t see my mom too. 

And then someone from my behind called my name, I turned back it was my dad, he tightly embraced me and said beta I’m always with you but now your mom needs you, you have to go back, saying this he left my hands and pushed me from a huge hill. 

I was falling down, dad help me, I screamed, he was just smiling at me and I fell down. 

2 days later, I opened my eyes and found my mom beside me still praying, I could hear doctors saying that this was a miracle, I held my mom’s hands and kissed her lightly, now I can feel her, I was alive. 

She said Kanha ji has listened to her prayers but only I knew the reason for my rebirth. 
I can still talk to him, but this time he stays within me. 
Thank you dad. ♥

Deeksha chatterjee, 2012.

© Vaishnavi Vasudevan, 2017.

He’s missing 

​Do you know me?

Some call me mysterious girl, while some think I’m insane, some don’t bother about my living and a very few like me. 

Well I’m Avni, let me tell you a secret. 

I was in love with a guy vatsal who never cared about my feelings, he was like a dark secret of my life, very chancy, like a living nightmare, my life was hell with him.

I had new scars everyday, an open book with scary pages, but one day he was missing, I tried searching for him every place I could go, or where he could be found, but he was missing. Missing forever or had he left me?  But what made him leave me alone when I was playing the role of his puppet very well, or was that destiny giving me a chance to move on? 

I was numb, I couldn’t find answers for my questions. But I needed them, I started asking random people that why would someone go missing suddenly. 

Time passed and slowly I forgot about him,  his smell, his lust, my scars, I forgot everything. I started living a new life where I found myself happy and safe. 

Then one day a guy, I don’t remember his name, I guess it was Alekh. 

Avni I Iove you he whispered but I tried avoiding him, he would follow me everywhere, I was scared, is that demon back in my life. But Alekh always asked me a chance to prove his love and finally I said yes. 

24 Oct, 2009 it was when I was ready to give him a Chance or you can say I was ready to move on finally. 

Alekh was very different he loved me to the core, he could never see me hurt, but my past relationship was so bad that it took almost a year to love him back. 

Yeah he loved me but I didn’t, it’s not that I wanted to betray him or spend his money, but I just couldn’t believe that someone so pure could come in my life. 

Well, he always said that he’d die for me and that was true, I was so insecure, I was so depressed, I still couldn’t come off my last relationship. How would I believe him when I lost all trust in men. 

Neither could I leave him, I was addicted to him, he became my drug slowly but I still didn’t love him. 

I started doubting on him, asking the same question everyday would you ever leave me?  And he used to answer with a smile, never honey. 

God sent me just to wipe all your tears. 

So cheesy.  Isn’t he? 

But I loved the way he answered me everytime I asked him the same question. 

And one fine day I was in love with him,  I don’t know how that happened like I tried a lot to hate him but couldn’t. 

He wasn’t made to hate. 

I asked him again would you die for me? 

He said that his life is nothing without my love. 

Now I have him for lifetime. 

I started hurting him. 

First with my words, then with my deeds. 

But he still loved me. 

I chained him, and inserted many needles in his veins.

Then I made him sleep in room of vermins which were less dangerous than me. He was shivering with cold because I made him sit in the freezer. But I didn’t want him to die. You know as I said he was my drug.  But I loved seeing him suffering. And finally he hanged himself,  he left me, all alone in the same dark room. I screamed, cried taking his name but no one could hear me. Now I was all alone, I needed my drug back but how would he come to me? 

He was dead. 

Just like a tired prey of a hungry lion. 

But I loved him and I just wanted to know would he stay with me forever as he promised. 

No he couldn’t. 

He was missing too. 

I didn’t kill him, he killed himself, such a coward he was. 

And I was back in my life searching for someone who could truly love me. 

Well, you might wonder where was vatsal?

I killed him. 

He’s missing. 
Avni.

© Vaishnavi Vasudevan, 2017.

She loves Lucifer

​when she loves a Lucifer 🙂
What would be inferior than a girl in love with a Lucifer

Who loves her like an insane,

Treats her like his slave,

Someone who’s heartless,

Someone who’s unsafe,

Everyday she gets a new scar

Which is his love bite,

Every night she screams loud 

Which is his music of lust,

She walks alone

On the roads which goes nowhere,

She sobs alone,

where no one can hear her,

Her life is a living hell,

Where Death plays hide and seek,

Every time she’s tired, 

There he comes

To tear her soul apart.
~ Vaishnavi Vasudevan, 2017.